


찬이의 "방" (Chan's Room)

by itzee



Series: me being sad [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan-centric, Drinking to Cope, Excessive Drinking, Gen, Hurt Felix, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomniac Bang Chan, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Mentioned Han Jisung | Han, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Sad, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25517413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itzee/pseuds/itzee
Summary: An AU where its Sunday and Chan has to do his weekly live but gets drunk after relapsing…only to remember about it at 4 am while still being completely drunk and a crying mess. So he goes live, too drunk to care about how he looks or what he’ll say and starts breaking down in front of stays, begging for everything to stop.
Series: me being sad [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832647
Comments: 7
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: last chapter is now out!!

It was late, too late even, and Chan knew his members were probably looking for him everywhere; but there he was, in one of JYP's building's countless bathrooms, his own blood everywhere, trying not to pass out as he fell down, crying once again, not remembering if the tears ever stopped.  
  
He eventually calmed down a little bit, and after wiping the blood off the floor, he decided that it would be a not-so-bad idea to call his bandmates and tell them that everything was okay and that they could go to sleep without waiting for him, so he did just that and called one of the three 3racha members, Jisung. After getting a lecture from his friend, he went out of the building, searched for the nearest grocery store that could miraculously still be opened, bought a few (too many) bottles of soju once he found the store, and went back to his producing room.  
  
  
It was now around 4am, and Chan had been drinking for 3hours, weirdly still not passing out as a normal person normally would after drinking this much liquor. He decided to take his phone and entered the social media that started this whole situation, Twitter. The first tweet he managed to read and understand was about how he didn't go live earlier, and how disappointed the stay was. He then started crying, asking himself what he could do in his life if he couldn't even do that much of a simple thing for stays.  
  
"Except being a disappointment, of course." He said out loud.  
  
He decided that he'll go live, even though he was very drunk, and a crying mess, stays are and will always be his first priority.  
  
After setting up the phone he uses to make lives, he decided to take another sip of his drink, sip becoming half the bottle, but he couldn't care less at that exact moment.  
  
For some reasons (reasons probably being the alcohol present in his body), he was totally calm about starting a live while being in this state, and did not care at all about the consequences of the actions he will soon be facing.  
  
After opening a new bottle of alcohol, he finally pressed the button.  
  
He was now live, in front of hundreds -soon-to-be hundreds of thousands- of people, looking like a total mess, his last bottle of soju in hand, and all the others, opened and finished, in the background. It was just now that he realized the mistake he had just made, but a part of him wanted to keep going, so he did just that.  
  
"Hi guys" he started, not really knowing what to say, not thinking straight enough to talk in any other language than English. "I'm gonna assume that everyone that speaks Korean is sleeping, so I'll only talk English". It was an excuse, but he was too lazy to explain to them why he couldn't speak Korean at the moment.  
  
"I'm sorry for not going live earlier, it completely slipped my mind since I was busy doing.. something else" After finishing his sentence, he remembered everything that has happened, and soon enough he started crying, again.  
  
To calm himself down, he drank the first half of the bottle that was still in his hand. And took his phone to try and read some of the comments on his live. Most of them were people worrying about Chan, asking him to stop drinking and call someone for help, but he ignored those, because the other rest.. that was what interested him the most.  
  
"Is Chan finally realizing how much of a piece of shit he is?" he read, not realizing that he was talking out loud, not caring enough anyways.  
  
"Oh my god please tell me he's finally leaving the group" the tears were starting to caress his cheeks again, that feeling being now way too familiar.  
  
He threw the phone across the room, and remembered he was live, so he finally spoke.  
  
"I started this live because I can't let you be disappointed again." He started, finally finding a topic to talk about. "I'm sorry guys, I'm so fucking sorry for always disappointing you" He swore for the first time in front of his fans, still not caring, the tears being too heavy for him to even try to think about what he was saying.  
  
"I know that so many things I've done were wrong, and I won't even try to justify myself, I've tried to apologize so many times before, but it feels like some of you guys don't even care about that" He took the last half of his drink, and threw the bottle where all of the other ones were.  
  
"I'm not trying to force you to accept my apologies, I'm just aski-no, I'm begging you to stop, please stop doing this to me, please stop trying to accuse me of things that I didn't do, stop starting rumors about me and the other members, st-stop." It was becoming harder and harder for Chan to speak, completely overwhelmed and his tears becoming more and more common.  
  
"Please, stop all of this, o-or I won't be able to make it, I-I won't be able to ignore the voices, I won't b-be able to stop going deeper, I-I won't-p-please stop, I get it, I promise, I know you don’t want me to be here anymore, I know it all, j-just please stop."  
  
He couldn't breathe anymore, probably because of the tears, and started hyperventilating, his vision was completely blurry when he heard the noise of a door opening and a voice trying to tell him something. As soon as he tried to look up to see who it was, he fell down to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is exactly what happened in the last chapter, but you can see it from Felix's point of view.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!!

"Guys, Chan just called me, he told me he was okay and he was taking a nap somewhere in the company, so that’s why he didn't respond."

Felix could finally calm down, Chan was okay. Chan was just sleeping. Everything was okay. He tried calming himself down by saying these 3 sentences over and over in his head, until he could finally stop crying.

But he couldn't fully calm down just like that, what if Chan was lying to him? What if he was in danger? What i-

"Lixie-hyung, are you okay? Didn't you hear what Sungie-hyungie said? Channie-hyung is okay." It was Jeongin, a worried look on his face, probably asking himself why Felix was still this worried.

Felix knew that, but he also knew many things the others didn't know, he knew about the cutting, he knew about the account, he knew about the elder's alcohol problems, but he couldn't say anything, because he has promised Chan that he would never tell the others, as the elder was getting better.. or was he?

"I-I'm fine, I'm just still kinda shaken up, but I'm fine"

He couldn't tell them how worried he was for his friend, but so many things were going through his head, flashbacks were coming back at him, the countless times he found Chan crying or even cutting in his producing room, the day he-

No, that won't happen again, Chan was getting better, Chan was okay now, he wouldn’t do that again.

After thinking about all of this, he decided to try and go to sleep, so he wished everyone a good night and went to his shared room with Changbin, finding the elder already sleeping, and tried to do the same thing.

But he just couldn't, he couldn't stop staring at the walls, asking himself whether Chan was okay or not.

It has now been 3 hours since Felix started asking himself that question, when he received a notification, it was.. V live?? He was only following his own group on this app, so why was he getting a notification at 4 in the morning?

He clicked on the live that had no name on it, and soon confusion turned into worry, Felix was horrified, why was Chan in this state? What could have possibly happened, and why was he going live in this state?

He wanted to believe that it was just a sick joke from the elder, but as soon as his friend started wiping his tears, he saw the fresh cuts visible on his wrists, Felix realized that if he didn’t go over to him right now, something might happen to the elder.

At this point, both Chan and Felix were a crying mess, and the younger was pretty sure that he would wake up his roommate and even the rest of the dorm if he kept making so much noise, but he couldn't care less at that exact moment, too worried about Chan to think about anything else that was happening.

Felix jumped from his bed, reaching the front door at a record speed, not even bothering to put on his shoes the right way as he opened the door, hearing Changbin telling him something he didn't bother to understand, too busy trying to run without falling.

As he was getting closer from the building, he could see Chan getting more and more emotional, and as he was drinking the last half of the bottle in his hands, Felix had already reached the building, still running and going up the stairs, when he finally reached the right floor, he could then hear the sobs coming from the room.

As Felix opened the door of the infamous room, he saw Chan slowly losing conciousness, and yelled at him to stay awake, but Chan was already on the floor, not moving anymore.

It was too late.

Too late to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's already the end of this very short story! thank you so much for reading this!! it really means a lot.  
> if you ever need to talk to anyone, i'm here for you, my twitter @ is @/enbies4lix, even though i'm pretty much dead there, you can always talk to me there!! and don't forget, IT GETS BETTER!!!1!1!!!1!!1!!

**Author's Note:**

> i've been thinking about this for 2 days straight now and I couldn't not write it  
> also, this is a VENT FIC, i do not wish for this to happen to chan, nor am I assuming how he feels. so please don't hate on me or say that i don't care about him. i love him so much and i hopes he's okay and that this will never ever happen. so yeah, stay healthy guys ily<3


End file.
